Postmodernism emphasizes several things one of which is "both-and" thinking instead of "either/or" thinking. A client once said, "I am no good and my life stinks. There is nothing I can do about it. This is just the way things are".
(They didn't really say this, but it helps me get to my point.) We would say this person has a negative self image and is probably depressed. We know because the opposite statement would be something like, "I am a good person and overall I like my life". But she didn't. ("But" is an either/or word. ) She took the position of an emotional "victim". She was acting helpless and hopeless, discouraged, and maybe if you listened long enough you'd get tired and say she was "whiny". You even might get upset with her depression and her "stuckness" in it.
We do either/or thinking frequently and aren't aware of it. Either this person is a victim or is not. We think they have to choose one or the other. Friends, out of caring and concern, will often say words of encouragement that fall on deaf ears. We emphasize the positive but it does no good. They have got themselves convinced of their position.
I wonder what a postmodernist counselor would do? Listen to the pain and look for the possibilities.
Counseling is both listening to pain and listening for possibilities. For a postmodernist, this means a depressed person tells a story about herself that she believes is true. The story may even have a name. For example: "Poor Me." or "Ain't it awful?" Their story of depression "becomes" that person.
We call this the dominant story of her life-if it is. She is left with her story: a story which she tells herself over and over. This is the pain story. Until that story is deeply respected the pain will last for sure. The other story is her "possibilities" story which lives in her but on the edge, under the surface, dormant, or "marginalized".
What most of us do is tell the depressed person the positive, the good in their life, and to "buck up. Things will get better someday". Of course it doesn't. The poor me person gets even more discouraged at not being heard and may even turn on you for being positive. This other story is the "yes but" story: the Pollyanna story. The rose colored glasses story. The story of a coach encouraging his team at half time when they are down 42 to nothing.
Are we left with either telling them a pretty picture about tomorrow or feeling sorry for them today? Neither choice seems to help. Either/or thinking leads to a situation in which neither solution works for the depressed person nor for the "helper". We want them to get to the possibilities and the positive and talk them out of their pain. They aren't willing to listen for possibilities until someone respects their pain.
Another solution is to approach a depressed person with both opposites. "I see you are depressed and you are feeling lousy." Hear their pain first. And then listen for the "exception" in their story and ask questions about it. This is when the client or your friend begins to tell a different story or an additional story. We call this the alternative story. Both are in her. The question is will she claim both sides of herself, and choose to live out of her possibilities? Will you allow her both sides or try to convince her of only the happy side?
I have some landscaping in front of my house. Weeds grow and so do flowers and shrubs. I even have a cactus. When I see the weeds I have two reactions. "I never can get rid of those weeds. I hate pulling weeds." Or I say, "Think how pretty the landscaping will look if I pull the weeds. But I hate pulling weeds." And so back and forth I go. (No. This story does not keep me up at night.) Finally, I look at the weeds and say, "I don't want to pull weeds and so I am going to pull two or three a day. That's a new solution or new alternative. Until I "own" not liking to pull weeds, I won't figure out an alternative. The story now becomes, "I will pull a couple of weeds any time I want to feel good and have the landscaping look good." Now I accept that pulling weeds is a "pain in the..." and pulling a few at a time raises the possibility of becoming satisfied.
Another outdoor story: The next time a friend says they are living in poison ivy and don't deserve to get up and move away: don't go sit in the ivy with them. Sit by the side and have a visit. And when they tell you about a "garden" they once had ask them to tell you more about the garden, while they still are sitting in the ivy. See what happens over time. With both/and thinking their pain and their possibilities are respected. With both/and thinking our pain and our possibilities are respected.
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